ENCOURAGING POLICE BRUTALITY; OR, MAKING "PIG" A TERM OF ENDEARMENT (2003)

Vladimir Lenin once told Maxim Gorky, when the latter complained about the violence associated with the Russian Revolution, that "You cannot fight a revolution wearing white dinner gloves." The same can be said of fighting crime. It's tough work -- work that can only be successfully accomplished through completely abandoning current standards of ethics, morality, and human decency. Policemen, in order to maintain proper order and to protect the private property of our elite, must be above these intangible laws and must be free to dispense brutality as they feel necessary. And we as a society must stop hindering this brutality, and instead encourage it.

In the early days of society, there was anarchy. People did and thought as they liked without the fear of consequences. The powerful and the wealthy lacked the control of the masses they needed to maintain their status. At first, they invented religion, which promised an afterlife for all those who behaved, for all those who didn't question authority, and for all those who respected private property. Still, this was insufficient, as there were too many freethinkers who callously disregarded the laws. There were also others, who, just because they suffered from a little starvation, felt compelled to break the laws. So, society invented the police -- strong and simple men recruited from the lower echelons of the community who sought power and enjoyed violence -- who would serve authority without questioning it. And society gave the police dispensation to commit violence, torture, and even murder in the pursuit of peace and order.

Some of the earliest police forces were organized by the Roman Empire, such as the Praetorian Guard. These forces kept the peace in the Empire by creating an atmosphere of fright and dread, and developed methods for repressing the masses that are still in use today, such as making an example of an individual -- regardless whether the individual was actually guilty -- to dissuade others.

One of the highlights of Roman police brutality was the capture, torture, and execution of Christ, and the subsequent brutality against His followers -- the so-called Golden Age Christians. This policy successfully suppressed "peace, love, and goodwill toward men" for centuries and was in part responsible for the Church abandoning such teachings.

With the fall of Rome, and its police forces, came the commencement of the Dark Ages. With no police to fear, anarchy again reigned, along with a disrespect of proper land ownership and private property in general. With no police, the wealthy lived in fear, unceremoniously forced to hide in the dark with their ill-gotten gain.

As the Middle Ages led into the Renaissance, all things Roman were reborn -- art, science, architecture -- but most notably, police. These fearless constables of the law brought order through violence and intimidation, and guaranteed that the peasants were kept pleasantly destitute, by forcing them to pay the proper tribute to their masters. The rich could now sleep easily again.

And so could the faithful. Under the auspices of various inquisitions, the police sought and gathered heretics; and in cooperation with the Church, used any means necessary to obtain the voluntary confessions of those accused. And after the sinners had fully repented, it was the police that properly consigned them to the flames, to the delightful sounds of eunuchs singing "Te Deum."

A few centuries later -- prior, during, and after the French Revolution -- the police took on a new and important role: hunting and abusing political criminals, which culminated in the Reign of Terror -- a truly bright spot in the history of police brutality -- where systems were created to exterminate political opposition, whatever the prevailing opposition was on that particular day. These systems were so effective that were mimicked by the twentieth century police forces of Hitler, Stalin, and Pinochet.

In the mid-nineteenth century, the United States, finally ridding itself of whatever humanism that remained from its founding, began establishing official police forces. Walking not-so-softly and carrying a very big stick, these forces were able to control the threat posed by the increasingly large number of papist immigrants that came from the poorer parts of Europe. And in a act of pure genius, they recruited many of these same immigrants to keep down their own people.

These early American police forces also helped create political stability in the nation by murdering ungrateful communist workers -- who had the gall to demand a living wage and safe working conditions -- in such heroic battles as the Haymarket Square Massacre of 1886, the Lawrence Textile Workers Strike of 1912, and the National Steelworkers Strike of 1919. Stability was even further maintained by using force to control the growing minority populations -- so as to make sure they understood their proper place in society.

Yes, for a few millennia, the system of police brutality, outside a few instances where police slightly overstepped their authority by committing a few unfortunate massacres, worked well. The powerful kept their power, the wealthy their wealth, and the criminal classes -- also known as the poor -- lived in a proper state of fear. This, however all changed; and all because of a few overly-publicized scandals.

One of the first events that unfairly tainted police brutality occurred during the civil rights upheaval of the 1950s and 1960s. The good people of the South at the end of the Civil War developed a system that provided order and racial harmony. The only minor drawback of the system was that a small faction of the population were denied a few insignificant civil, political, and economic rights. When this equanimity was threatened by ignorant do-gooders from the North, the good people responded understandably with police brutality. Of course, they only resorted to fire hoses and billy clubs when peaceful intimidation failed to achieve the desired affect; but this wasn't understood by the general populace, who witnessed the events thanks to the insensitivity of a new medium, television.

An unfortunate result of these events was that simpletons in Congress passed laws, such as Miranda, to unnecessarily limit police brutality. With these laws, the populace quickly lost their traditional fear of the police, which led directly to the outbreak of race riots across the country in the late 60s. And when the police reacted very sensibly to these events, by beating the protesters senseless, there was outrage and incriminations. For the first time in history, a policeman had to think twice before delivering proper justice.

At the same time, the police had to face the threat of the anti-war movement, which was becoming more and more unruly. The youth involved in this movement, too educated for their own good, fueled the disrespect of the police. They even had the audacity to call the police a mean name: pigs. The police in turn showed remarkable restraint in dealing with these children, only succumbing during the 1968 Democratic Convention in Chicago when the protesters undermined the aura and esteem of their great leader, Mayor Richard Daley. Considering the circumstances, the police showed considerable self-control in that they only broke open a few skulls.

The 1970s, though, with its calming influence of disco music, brought an end to these subversive movements -- but the damage to police brutality was irrevocable. The police knew that from then on that they would only be able to perform their rightly duty behind closed doors, or when no one was watching.

This policy was reasonably effective for twenty years, until the unfortunate proliferation of handheld video recorders. On March 3, 1991, the Los Angeles Police pulled over Rodney King, who was driving recklessly, refusing to obey the authority of the police when they signaled him to stop. As per proper police brutality procedure -- and thinking no one was looking -- they delivered 56 blows of the baton to Mr. King and assorted lighthearted kicks. As one police officer said, "It was just like Gorillas in the Mist." Unknown to them, though, a misguided soul named George Holliday was videotaping the incident; and instead of properly delivering the tape to the police, he gave it to the media.

In an unbelievable turn of events, the police officers, not Rodney King, were put on trial. When the jury came to a very reasonable verdict, considering the men -- not unlike German police officers in the thirties and forties -- were just doing their job, the city of Los Angeles went up in flames. And the police, who now knew their cherished practice of brutality was permanently threatened, were blamed and demonized.

Things got progressively worse since then, as the media sensationally reports even the mildest forms of police brutality, such as when the New York City police anally raped Abner Louima with the handle of a toilet plunger in order to set him back on the path of honest citizenry. Or when the New York Police discharged 41 shots at Amadou Diallo -- an unarmed innocent man who could very easily have been an armed guilty man -- just to be absolutely certain he was dead. Only the intervention of Rudolph Giuliani, America's Mayor, saved the officers from unjust prosecution.

With this blackening of the image of the police has come the perception that crime is worsening; and while the reality is the opposite, perception is far stronger than reality. The good people are afraid for their lives; and more importantly, for their material possessions. They are afraid of minorities, the poor, and the ACLU.

As you can only fight fear with fear, we must save police brutality before it becomes extinct. I propose an organized effort to encourage police brutality, especially the public display of such brutality, so that all transgressors, and all potential transgressors, fully understand the consequences of their actions. Such a policy is the only means to bring safety and security for all of us with means and wherewithal.

The first thing that must be done is to change our language in order to create an environment more open to police brutality. The use of the word "pig" has long instilled disrespect and dishonor to the good name of the men in blue. But it doesn't have to be this way. A pig is a clean, noble animal, and being called one should no longer be an insult. By turning this word into a term of endearment, the villains will lose one of their chief weapons against the police. As such, society -- through an organized advertising campaign -- should officially change the word "police" to "pigs." The police department should now be called the pigs department and policemen should be addressed not as "officer," but as "officer pig," especially when being beaten by one.

The next thing we must do is establish the Pigs Law. This federal law will override Miranda and any other laws that hinder the pigs from doing their job. It will state categorically that pigs have the right to commit brutality at their own discretion. It will also forbid the criminal and civil prosecution of pigs. Additionally, the law will establish the federal Department of Homeland Pigs, which will promote pig brutality across the country, and create the cabinet-level post of the Secretary of Homeland Pigs. This post will not be political -- the holder of the office shall have a lifetime term. Its initial holder can be none other than Mr. Giuliani, who has valiantly defended the right of pigs to commit arbitrary brutality throughout his glorious career.

Finally, the television show formerly known as "Cops" will be shown 24 hours a day, and every citizen will be required to watch it a few hours a day. To ensure this, devices similar to those used in George Orwell's 1984 will be implanted in every television set.

The effects of these measures will be dramatic. Poor young minorities, knowing they could be beaten or killed for no particular reason whatsoever, will keep a low profile -- meaning, they will keep out of good neighborhoods -- thereby no longer being a threat to rich white Americans. As they will also no longer be outspoken when it comes to demanding their civil rights, our nation will finally return to the harmony it enjoyed in the early 1950s.

The effects of increased brutality, though, will reach far beyond the minority communities. There will be no more peace marches -- in fact, no more demonstrations of any kind. There will be no more union strikes, and no more freedom of speech, press, and religion. Fear will cross all racial, social, and economic boundaries. Fear will make us all better citizens because we will do as we're told and act as an unified collective, a team. And best of all, fear will keep the trains running on time.

Encouraging police brutality will bring us the utopian society we all secretly crave -- a society in which we can finally feel safe -- a society that even Vladimir Lenin would be proud to belong.