FLAGS, FLAGS, AND EVEN MORE FLAGS (2003)

During the Second Gulf War, when some American patriots bravely hacked the Web site of Al-jazeera -- an evil news organization that unexplainably refused to report the news according to the Pentagon's wishes -- what was the image they put in its place? An American flag captioned with the bold and creative phrase: "Let Freedom Ring." These American Fedayeen understood what others like them have understood since the foundation of our nation -- that the symbol of the American flag takes precedence over any superfluous civil liberties such as the freedom of expression and the freedom of the press.

The American flag has always stood as a symbol of what makes this country great: unity and subservience to a great common cause. Its symbol is as representative of this nation as motherhood, apple pie, and Chevrolet; and its reverence is only exceeded by the Holy Bible, and then only slightly. It's the ultimate truism to state that the value contained within its precious stars and stripes outweighs any intangible, crypto-communistic ideals contained on decaying scraps of paper, such as the Declaration of Independence or the United States Constitution.

During the Revolutionary War, it was not the elitist, Rousseau-inspired beliefs in democracy and the rights of man that put fear into the hearts of the British soldiers. It was that flag with the big snake on it, hissing: "Don't Tread on Me!" Yes, it was a very big snake. And later, when Betsy Ross, the godmother of this country, designed what was soon called the "Stars and Stripes," the Redcoats must have surely known they were finished.

The flag, from that point on, has played a pivotal role in the history of our country.

In the War of 1812, in one of the most dire moments of the country, our capital lay burning. While the politicians and their gilded Jeffersonian concepts fled, it was "our flag," as Francis Scott Key so beautifully composed in the national anthem, that "was still there." Those words have since put many tears in the eyes of the true believers.

In 1835, when Americans were attempting to liberate Texas as part of our great Manifest Destiny, Mexico, wholly ignorant of God's plan for us, had the audacity to fight -- and all because their people had happened to live there for a few hundred years. Early the following year, during the Battle of the Alamo, our brave mercenaries fought valiantly against superior forces, refusing to lower the flag, and were eventually gloriously martyred for it.

The Civil War has often been described as a conflict over state rights, over slavery, and over the future of liberty. But in fact it was a conflict over who had the prettiest flag. Millions of soldiers, fearlessly butchering their brothers, were not carrying copies of their respective constitutions into battle, but instead were carrying their lovely multicolored flags. And as a testament to the power of flags, descendants of Confederate fighters joyfully need only to display their flag to incite the fear and the loathing of their enemies.

Later in the nineteenth century, when petty heathens -- referred to today as Native Americans -- not unlike the Mexicans before them, wrongfully believed they had the right to their own lands, blissfully unaware of their innate inferiority, it was the flag, leading the charge of the cavalries, that put the proper fear into their hearts. Because of these noble deeds, the flag today flies high over every casino in Indian territory.

It was the same flag decades later, at the dawn of jingoism, that Teddy Roosevelt heroically carried as his men took San Juan Hill -- finally eradicating centuries of evil and decadent Spanish imperialism and replacing it with righteous, true-blue American imperialism. And for the first time, the American flag proudly waved outside our borders, bathing all those sublimated by it in its warm light.

But simply flying over our backwater neighbors was not enough for our grand old flag. It had greater aspirations -- aspirations that were fulfilled in World War I when Woodrow Wilson decided to make the world safe for the Stars and Stripes. America finally shook off all remnants of the inherent pacifism of our founding fathers, and our young men got the privilege of dying for the flag in far-off lands.

The American flag unquestionably reached its zenith during World War II when it flew over ever corner of the world, establishing itself as the preeminent force in the world. It had many memorable moments in this war, such as when those gallant troops sacrificed their lives to raise it over Iwo Jima -- the image of which creates uncontrollable emotion in the minds of all right-thinking Americans. Just think -- if it weren't for this brave act, we wouldn't have that wonderful statue commemorating it.

But if respect and admiration for the flag was at its height in World War II, it fell to its lowest during the Vietnam War. At this time, our spoiled, overeducated youth failed to see the unerring logic of our military establishment when it attempted to block the "domino effect" of communism in Indochina, by propping up the toppling dominoes with the blood of our soldiers. Our young people, so blind to this historical cause, disloyally took to the streets -- doing sick, disgusting things to our flag, such as wrapping it around their unclean bodies. For the first time in our history, our children even selfishly refused to sacrifice themselves -- putting themselves above the flag.

Fortunately, this counterculture movement was short-lived; and the flag regained much of the respect it lost as we became the world's lone superpower -- capable of conquering friend and foe alike. People once again raise the flag in pride when our soldiers kill and maim foreigners who get in our way, and even our politicians were flags on their lapels -- at least those planning to run for reelection.

But while there's cause for a certain amount of optimism, we have a lot more to accomplish. I believe that all our social, political, and moral ills can be alleviated through the involuntary use and promotion of our flag. The flag can be a unifying tool that eliminates dissension, decadence, and depravity; and it will make all of us happy and content.

So, where do we begin? We must begin with our children. We must instill in them the proper reverence of the flag and an irrational obedience to its authority.

For many years, American children have been forced to recite the Pledge of Allegiance. This is a good thing, but the pledge must be updated to reinforce the message. I suggest it should be changed as follows: "I pledge allegiance with my blood to the flag of the United States of America and to the Republicans who courageously protect it, the one nation beloved by God, indivisible and unified in thought, with liberty and justice for all those who prove worthy." And while they are reciting this, their right hand should be placed on their heart and their left hand on the King James version of the Bible, the cover of which should be embossed with an image of the flag . . . just as Jesus would have wanted. And instead of reciting it once a day in the morning, it should be recited every hour -- even at home.

Truly exceptional youths, those who have proven their loyalty to the flag by exposing unbelievers, should be made flag monitors. Flag monitors will have the task to ascertain that all students are reciting the pledge properly -- without sarcasm or cynicism -- and they will also have the power to detain and punish violators, before delivering such malefactors to the appropriate authorities. As with other crimes, parents will be held responsible for the actions of their children.

One of the biggest flaws with the current pledge of allegiance policy is that it is not enforced after high school. It's no small wonder why the instances of social protest and disrespect for our common values dramatically increase in college. The pledge of allegiance should be required at all institutions of higher learning, whether they are public or private. The policy should also be enforced within all dormitories, within fraternity and sorority houses, and within private housing. And no student should be given a degree unless they have spoken a verifiable number of pledges.

The pledge should also be extended to our workforce. What better way to enforce the principles of conformity, teamwork, and thoughtless loyalty -- principles on which every corporation thrives. A flag should also be placed in every office, cubicle, and workspace. And those who work with computers should be required to have a flag screensaver.

This, of course, is only the beginning.

For many years, patriotic Americans have displayed flags outside their homes to prove their loyalty. In fact, the most patriotic American in any given neighborhood is always the one with the largest flag. This display of obedience, though, should no longer be voluntary. If some foreign agent were to visit one of our towns and see that some houses were without flags, they might see this as a sign of weakness, making us more pervious to terrorist attacks. Therefore, we should enact a law requiring flags not only in front of every abode in our country, but on the other three sides as well. In the future we can expand this law by requiring homes to be surrounded by flags, with a distance of no greater than one yard between each flag.

Bumper stickers depicting the flag have been popular for years, and they too should become mandatory. As part of the automobile registration process (and renewals), every car should have a flag bumper sticker carrying the slogan: "THESE COLORS DON'T RUN!" Smaller versions of these stickers should also appear on motorcycles, bicycles, and tricycles.

Once a week, every American should wear a shirt or blouse either depicting the flag; or better yet, made from an actual flag. The perfect day would be on Sundays, so as to show the oneness of the flag with God. However, so as to show that Americans are not religious bigots, Jews may wear their flag garments on Saturday -- just as long as the garments also depict the Star of David. Muslims likewise can wear theirs on Fridays. Muslim women should also be free to wear flag burkas.

Religions should also do their part in promoting the flag. They should convince their flocks that undying love of the flag is the true path to the Afterworld. They should also excommunicate those who deviate from this path. I would even suggest updating some of the prayers. For example, children should be baptized "in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Ghost, and of the American Flag."

Those convicted of flag violations should be sent to special flag prisons. These prisons will be run by our large textile manufacturers, who have years of valuable experience running slave labor operations around the world. In these prisons, convicts will spend most of their time making flags of all shapes, sizes, and varieties. In their free time, though, they will reeducated -- using extremely persuasive means -- in the ways of proper flag worship.

In addition to forcing the love of our flag on our citizenship, there are other means we can use to promote it.

Marshall McLuhan famously once wrote that the "Medium is massage," and we should not overlook the power of the media as a tool for indoctrinating our citizens in the glory of the flag. We should work with Hollywood to make certain that every scene in every movie, television program, and video game contains an image of the flag. These images could and should be mostly subliminal, as these types of images have been proven to be the most effective. The covers of every book, magazine, and music CD should also contain these images, as well as all advertisements -- most of which already contain many subliminal elements.

And finally, let's not forget that we can also eat the flag. Every cake, whether commemorating a birthday, wedding, or some other occasion should use a design incorporating the flag. Using the latest chemical technology, we can also magically convert any food to look like our flag. Even pizza pies can be turned into flags by using marginally semi-toxic red, white, and blue dyes in the cheese.

Our American flag has an illustrious history of representing what is right, good, and wholesome about this country. By taking these necessarily extreme and unconstitutional steps to ensure its future, we can ensure our own future as well.