ODE TO CREDIT CARD DEBT (2002)

Nothing matches the excitement of finding a credit card application in the mail, its majestic, postage-paid envelop neatly tucked inside. I already have many cards -- ten or twenty or fifty, of all flavors and colors: Visas, Mastercards, American Expresses, and Dinner's Clubs -- but why not one more? Perhaps this new one will send me some "convenience" checks, so I can conveniently start paying interest as soon as I write a check.

True, my debt already exceeds my yearly income, the equity in my home, and the value of my children in the Asian slave markets, but being in debt is our obligation as citizens. It's good for the economy. It's good for America. Come on -- buy, spend, consume! You don't have to pay for it now.

One of the great evils of communism was that people who lived under it were forbidden credit cards. Before long though, every citizen of Eastern Europe will experience the joy and the freedom of eternal credit card debt -- we'll issue them just as soon as we've raised consumer demand by saturating their new markets with our magazines, television, and music.

And along with the freedom debt grants us, it also keeps us responsible. Why, if I didn't have all those bills, I might just quit my exciting middle entry-level job and the beautifully sterile three-square-foot cubicle that comes with it. I might become a bohemian, I might ask questions, I might think. I might vote.

And, as good as credit card debt is now, it'll only get better. The larger credit card companies, like Citibank, are buying the smaller ones. This will soon lead to monopolies, which can only be good for consumers, because once they no longer have competition, they'll be sure to lower rates and have friendlier policies. And if they bring back annual fees, it'll only add to the value of the card.

Michael Douglas' character in the film Wall Street famously said, "Greed is good." Added to this truism should be consumption, debt, and perhaps even bankruptcy.