ONLY LITTLE PEOPLE PAY TAXES (2002)

Leona Helmsley is to have once said, "Only little people pay taxes." We took umbrage at this statement -- it probably in no small way led to her imprisonment -- but was she really wrong?

If you are like most people, you probably work for a company or an institution as an employee and make a decent income. You have a few deductions and will receive a small tax cut -- that is, if you make more than $27,050 as a single person or $45,200 as a married couple. And because the government withholds more taxes than they should, you'll receive a nice refund, which makes you feel happy and content.

But if you were wealthy, with large sources of income coming from non-employment earnings, you'd really be able to enjoy the good life. For starters, you would've gotten a much larger tax cut. While a couple earning $50,000 receives a cut of $250, one earning $3,000,000 receives $15,000. Why, that's almost enough money to cover yachting expenses this summer. More importantly, though, you could've taken a slew of deductions available only to the Big People.

First, you would've rented part of your home to the corporation you set up to funnel your profit. Not only could you've deducted expenses relating to this service, but you could've also partly written off the depreciation of your very expensive home. Next, you would've established a Keough account to offset some more of your good-gotten gain. While ordinary schmucks can only deduct a few thousand dollars with their IRA, Big People can deduct up to $35,000 -- with tax-deferred interest, of course! Finally, you would've freely given to charities -- remembering that it begins at home. As long as you don't "give" more than $250 to each "charity," you could've deducted as many "gifts" as you wanted without any documentation.

Yes, it's a damn good thing we don't have a flat-rate tax system. Just think -- Big People actually paying taxes. O the horror!